Adieu
by Safaia
Summary: Kikyo wonders as a confused soul, she wonders what sge feels for Inuyasha and what her motives are for helping Naraku. She also questions her hate for him...and how pure it may be. Told to the song


Adieu

_Been a fool, been a clown  
Lost my way from up and down  
And I know, yes I know  
That you really weren't surprised at me at all  
Not at all  
And I know by your smile it's you_

Time and time again I ask myself how I ended up in this situation. I have many conflicting emotions about how I need to deal with this. I have my options and any option would work just as beautifully as the other option. It really just depends on my mood at the time when I am given the choice. I could choose to be violent and heartless, to do away with my enemies in a single blow and with the wave of my hand, send them all to depths of hell where they belong. Or I could choose the opposite and let them walk by with my heart heavy. I told them that all was left in my soul was hate, yet I would even consider letting him walk away.

Him. The one creature I feel an undying hate for. The male that stole my heart and then stole my life. He ripped it away from me, I died because of him and because of that I resent him. Though I know what really happened on that day. I know that we were turned against each other so Naraku could steal the Sacred Jewel of Four Souls from me. Though he did not think, I would have it cremated with me. He will reside in hell for his sins._  
  
Don't care for me, don't cry  
Let's say good-bye, Adieu.  
It's time to say good-bye, I know that in time  
It will just fade away, It's time to say good-bye_

All I want is for him to hate me. If I hate him and he hates me, then we could destroy each other. I could finally rest east know that Inuyasha resides in hell with me. I want to drag him and that bastardly creature Naraku both down to hell with me. It will be that way, it has to be that for I cannot rest easy with the thought of either of them alive. Inuyasha and I, side by side, we can destroy Naraku and then . . . we can destroy each other. That seems like a dream come true, the way things will work out if I keep Naraku under my deception. 

I have mixed feelings about my part in the gathering of the Sacred Jewel. In one way, it only brings me closer to once again destroying the tainted thing, but also it gives me a way to test the strength of Inuyasha as well. It will show me just how dedicated he is to destroying Naraku, to avenging my death. Yet now he seems to have other motives. Could it be that the heartless demon that once stole my heart, the bitter halfling that hates all, wants to help his traveling companions. He claims want to be a full-fledged demon, yet look at the company he keeps._  
  
I stand alone and watch you fade away like clouds  
High up and in the sky  
I'm strong and so cold  
As I stand-alone  
Good-bye, so long, adieu_

He has no idea how much pain and suffering he will have to go through. Naraku is going to make sure that he is not only killed, but those companions of his are killed as well. He cannot defeat him in time to save them. That girl, that girl that means so much to him, so much more than me, will be the first to fall. She must be, she is the one he fights for. He cares not for the others in the same way he cares for her. I would even go as far as to say that he might even love her. He knows he loves her, but he has to keep a place open for me.

I will be on his mind, now and forever. I will never let him forget me. Just as I begin to fade from his mind, something will trigger a memory of me. Until he dies with or before me, I will not let him forget. Whether or not he realizes this is entirely a different story however. To see him trying to move on is far too amusing for me. I can hardly stand it. I will be like that wound that never heals, when all you have to do is brush it against a rough surface for it to burst open. For the blood to pool out and the pain to come rushing forward all over again._  
  
Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories  
And now you've gone  
I feel the pain, feeling like a fool, adieu_

Our pasts are connected now and forever. We are meant to destroy Naraku together. Inuyasha to destroy his physical body and I send him to send his soul to hell. I will play Naraku's game, I will pretend to be on his side. I gave him the Sacred Jewel, I'll let him collect the shards for me. I will let him go through all of the trouble of taking them back from second class demons. I should not waste my time with such worthless creatures. I will leave such tedious duties to the half demon, to both of the half demons. Inuyasha and his so-called companions and Naraku and his weak incarnations. Then, when one thinks they are all powerful, I will destroy one and then the other. Finally, after that, I can rest. My soul can move onto the underworld and I can leave this faithless place once and for all with the satisfaction of knowing I took both Inuyasha and Naraku with me._  
  
My love for you burns deep  
inside me, so strong  
embers of times we had  
and now, here I stand lost in a memory  
I see your face and smile_

I don't want him to come near me. I don't want him to touch me. I don't want him to think about me unless he is hating me. I want him to hate me. I want to hate him . . . completely. Though every time I am near him, every time, it never seems to fail, I end up holding him in my arms. I end up giving in and loving him back. I end up doing the very thing that I would rather die all over again than do. Yet I continue to do it. Is it possible that I still love him? Somewhere, deep in my heart, in my secret place that no one can see, I may still love him. Why else would I let him live for so long? Why else would I let him live when he came to me on the brink of death? Why else would I do those things if I did not care a little. I...I can remember so much, I can remember . . . how it felt . . . all of those years ago . . . in his arms . . . 

We broke every rule when we spent time together. A priestess with a half demon. I spared his life all of those years ago and I let him live on today. And he continued to come back, over and over again, maybe to try and see if I would continue to spare him time and time again. And I did. I never killed him. I can remember it all so clearly, I can remember our thoughts of a life together after we used the Sacred Jewel to make him human. I could see our lives, so vividly, all pictures made only for us. I can remember . . . the way my heart pounded when he told me to meet him in the field . . . that he was ready to become a full human. I can remember . . . those sharp claws ripping through my shoulder blade. The pain, it was so horrible, though it came not from the wound. The pain came from my heart when he spoke the words that he never wanted to be with me. That he would rather embrace his demon form than his human for that he would rather embrace the darkness instead of me. And as life drained from me, as blood spilled from my wounds, I killed you. I bound you to a tree. I wanted to take you with me. Yet I only froze you in time, you lived while I died. All for the Jewel . . . all for the Jewel . . . _  
  
Oh how I love you so, lost in those memories  
And now you've gone  
I feel the pain, feeling like a fool, adieu_

What am I saying? No, I will not dwell on the happiness of the past. Even if it was not really him who betrayed me, he did not have enough faith in me to think right away that I would do such a thing as betray him. I hate him. I hate him now and forever. Nothing can change the way I feel for him . . . not even the love he feels for me can contradict it. Nothing can stop me from killing him. Nothing can stop me from killing Naraku. Nothing in this world or the next. Perhaps I do still love in some way. Perhaps there is some way for me to avoid killing him. In fact, I am entirely sure that there is a way, but I do not want to find it. I want nothing to do with such a suggestion. I will not dwell on what happened between us, now is the present and now I must think of what I will do to end this feud. I will think of what I will do to end this forever._  
  
My love for you burns deep_

I hate you Inuyasha. I despise you.__

  


_Inside me, so strong_

I know my lingering feelings may contradict this, but I know that it is true. I hate you.__

  


_Embers of times we had_

I will not let you forget what he had for I will not forget either.__

  


_And now, here I stand lost in a memory_

I will let you loose yourself to your memories. I look forward to it. I look forward to joining you . . . in the underworld_._

  


_I see your face and smile _

–10/07/03

_This fan fiction was very hard for me to write. I think Kikyo is a very hard first person to write from because of her conflicting emotions and her strange way of going about things. I couldn't really relate to her the way I did with Sango and Miroku. That being said, I really don't like this fic very much.  
_


End file.
